How to Help a Friend Who May be Experiencing Intimate Partner Violence

Question #3: How to Help a Friend Who May be Experiencing Intimate Partner Violence.

Everyone has had to make adjustments to their lives very quickly during the global pandemic of COVID-19 and subsequent public health measures to slow the spread. However, not everyone is safe at home and many advocates and researchers suspect that domestic violence and child abuse have increased now that many of us are confined to our homes. 

Our Soteria Solutions team has been thinking a lot about the simultaneous importance of community responsibility during this unprecedented time and challenges that physical distancing present to bystander intervention. Unfortunately, when faced with complex needs, well-intended but potentially dangerous responses proliferate. One of these responses has recently circulated on social media as some variation on the following:

“If you’re unsafe at home, DM [direct message] me to ask if I’m still selling makeup, and I’ll know that you’re in danger and to keep checking in. If you ask specifically about eyeliner, I will immediately call the police to come to your home. You’re not alone.”

Here are a few reasons why posts like this present a seemingly clever and simple solution that can actually be quite dangerous:

  1. Calling the police could create more harm. There are many reasons that survivors do not want to report to the police that are further exacerbated during the pandemic and physical distancing. If the responding police officers lack training on intimate partner violence, the survivor could also be arrested and face increased risk of contracting COVID-19. Due to isolation measures, if the abusive partner is not arrested, the survivor will still likely need to cohabitate with them and may face escalated abuse. 

  2. Abusers are also on social media. People who are causing harm to their partners are also seeing these posts and are often monitoring their partner’s social media. Because monitoring one’s partner has become easier due to people being confined to their homes, encouraging a friend to send a message like this could lead to the abusive partner restricting or removing the survivor’s access to social media or communication entirely.

  3. Survivors are the best experts on their situations. Intimate partner violence hotlines are receiving calls and many services are being provided (see the bottom of this post for resources) but options survivors might have exercised previously are far more restricted than before. A survivor, for example, who may have previously gone to their elderly parents’ home with their young children to escape abuse may be concerned about how doing so would put their parents at risk. An immunocompromised survivor may feel it is safer to stay home and risk abuse than to go to a shelter and risk contracting COVID-19.

It’s wonderful to want to extend support to friends or family members who may be facing abuse at home during the pandemic. Instead of sharing this social media message, here are some things you can do instead:

  1. Learn more about how COVID-19 is impacting survivors and how they’re safety planning. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has an excellent resource to guide you.

  2. Learn more how survivors can foster personal well-being even when they do not feel safe. Full Frame Initiative has a well-being planning toolkit that provides useful information. 

  3. Provide help and support while physically distancing. Futures Without Violence provides guidance on how to help from afar

  4. Take care of yourself and share self-care resources. It’s challenging to help others while you’re also navigating the pandemic. Make sure to take time to take care of yourself. Sharing self-care resources can also be valuable to others in your network, including survivors. The Arizona Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence has a beautiful activity book to help guide your process.

  5. Share resources. Remind people in your networks personally or via social media that resources remain available for survivors 24/7/365. The National Sexual Assault Hotline is available both through online chat and by phone at 1.800.656.HOPE (4673), and the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available through online chat, by texting LOVEIS to 22522, or by phone at 1.800.799.7233 (TTY: 1.800.787.3224). 

Please join us for our third Virtual Water Cooler Session (VWC) this Friday, April 17 at 1pm ET. We will focus on ‘Curbside BITB’. We will offer you examples of strategies that you can use right now to highlight two of BITB’s core components: Recognition and Bystander Intervention Strategies. Join us via Zoom here.

- LB Klein, Soteria Solutions Lead Trainer